Shroud of the Avatar: Blade of the Avatar, Chapter 3, Released
Included in the most recent update to the Shroud of the Avatar website was, as has become the norm, another excerpt from Blade of the Avatar, the Shroud of the Avatar novel by Tracy Hickman and Richard Garriott.
This time, we get a glimpse of the book’s third chapter:
Aren rolled over with a groan as much born of anger as of pain. He lay on his back for a moment, the broken stones under him pressing uncomfortably into his back despite the armor. He felt the warm wetness of his own blood on the side of his head. Nevertheless, he held still. He felt disoriented from the unexpected plunge through the weakened floor. The drop felt like an eternity and he had no idea how far he had fallen.
His eyes were adjusting to the darkness. The filtered daylight of the ruins was bright compared to this subterranean night, yet the darkness was not complete. There was some light here and Aren was already beginning to distinguish shapes emerging from the shadows that surrounded him.
Strategy depends on knowledge, he thought. A wise man waits; only a fool rushes into what he doesn’t understand. He lay quietly for a moment, taking in his surroundings.
The faint glow from a series of globes gave scarce illumination to the ancient chamber around him. Each sphere had been mounted in ornamental frameworks on a series of columns which supported the dome of the ceiling. This vague light was further obscured under a layer of rust-colored dust. Still, it was enough; he could soon make out the extents of what had been an oval shaped chamber beneath the ancient ruins. Almost directly above him, part of the dome had buckled downward, breaking through an upper gallery that looked down into the chamber. Debris from the collapse had fallen into a slanting pile. Aren, in turn, had fallen down the face of this debris and come to a halt on its slopes a few feet above the floor.
Aren rolled over with a groan as much born of anger as of pain. He lay on his back for a moment, the broken stones under him pressing uncomfortably into his back despite the armor. He felt the warm wetness of his own blood on the side of his head. Nevertheless, he held still. He felt disoriented from the unexpected plunge through the weakened floor. The drop felt like an eternity and he had no idea how far he had fallen.If you’ve purchased or have been awarded a copy of Blade of the Avatar, log in to your account at the Shroud of the Avatar website to claim your copy of this chapter!
Needs editing. I should have been a writer. Or an editor. 🙂 My dad had the same problem when he published his first novel. It’s gotta flow; to feel right. A film just -goes-, so should prose.
The first paragraph as quoted here says:
“Aren rolled over with a groan as much born of anger as of pain. He lay on his back for a moment, the broken stones under him pressing uncomfortably into his back despite the armor.”
The use of the word back twice in the same sentence is unfortunate. The phrases would be better read as something like:
“Aren rolled onto his back with a groan of pain and anger, the broken stones beneath him pressing uncomfortably against his armor.”
“…from a series of globes” is another example. A series? Unless the observer is a mathematician or of a highly technical mind it shouldn’t be described as a series, but something pertaining more to his disoriented perception of the lighting or speaking in terms of the lights’ positions relative to him. “A dim circle of lights,” or, “a darkening procession of lights” for example. Lights stretching away, tendrils of light streaking across his addled vision, flickering torches amidst an engulfing darkness, his eyes searched for light and he cried out seeing only illusive imagery, etc.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I don’t really feel like rewriting the whole damn thing as I’m trying to relax after a hard night’s work. I like Hickman’s style, but it does seem like basic editing is the Achilles heel of many a writer these days.
I hope he keeps writing for Portalarium. He could write multiple versions of an NPC’s dialogue and behavior based on a player’s relationship with them. Good/Neutral/Bad variations for Friend, Sexual partner, Business partner, Comrade in arms, or whatever SotA plans to use for virtue. Sleep with a Spy and save some Lives type stuff even.
Here’s a sneak peek at how Sanctimonia, and probably games like SotA that try to give players some freedom to govern themselves, will end up handling PvP anywhere, permadeath and open looting:
http://youtu.be/6IvG9_V4Pcg
As long as the players keep talking and reserve murder for special cases only, the game is working as planned.